skipping, trudging and sometimes getting lost on the paths of self discovery

And now ...

2008-06-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

I'm home.

Making Everything Right In The World ...

2008-01-17T15:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I've had a bad-for-no-reason-and-busy-at-work-and-on-the-verge-of-tears day I just need to come home and lie down for 20 minutes with a warm eye pillow (smelling of lavender) and then I just need my little boy to come bustling in and give me a quick hug before he runs off to play with friends and then I just need my husband to come home from work with a beautiful bouquet of flowers (just like he did every Monday when we were dating) and take me in his arms and whisper to me that he adores me and that I am gorgeous and that he needs me and that he loves our little family more than anything on this Earth ...

And sometimes that is exactly what I get.
And sometimes that is all I need to feel rejeuvenated and thankful for all the amazing blessings I have been given in my life.

I am:

2007-12-19T15:39:00.001-08:00

- wearing a sweater and my little belly is sticking out
- eating everything in sight (and only gaining ONE POUND in 5 months!! Woohooooo!)
- falling in love with my husband more and more all the time
- thankful that the little bebe inside me is healthy
- grateful for an amazing mom and stepdad and mother-in-law and father-in-law
- glad I have a new camera to capture some of the funniest moments I have ever seen
- proud of my son, who is growing up to be a smart, funny, and kind little man
- excited for Christmas
- feeling the baby kick all day long, and loving it
- going to be good (in regards to my last post: "tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain")
- happy at my job
- lucky that my husband got me such an amazing Christmas present (yes, we exchanged gifts already -- my fam isn't great at waiting for that part ahahaha)

I Want to Wear a Hoodie.

2007-12-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I'm ready for the shit to hit the fan.
Or for the rain.
Or for the damage control I will inevitably have to do, even though it's not me who did something wrong.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to feel shitty.
I don't know if I can stop this worry-train I'm on.
I'm not sure if I believe that it won't reflect badly on me.
Or if I believe I won't magically lose friends over it.

But I am sure of this: I could tuck myself away in my new house with my husband and my son and my soon-to-come little baby and I could never come out and I could drink tea and eat cheese and pickles and cream puffs and I would be happy staying like that for a very long time. Or at least until the storm outside is over.

A Blissful Weekend Away ...

2007-11-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

After a blissful four-day weekend away with MyLove, I have compiled a list of thoughts from the experience:

- good idea to bring more than a vest for warmth when travelling to the Rockies.

- my husband (MyLove) and I are pretty good at making up lyrics for the song "Dirty Ass Cass" that he originally wrote with one of his friends. It's one of those songs that gets in your head and you find yourself singing it out loud.

- Grey's Anatomy is one of the most boring, most pointless, and biggest waste of time I have ever seen. Boring characters, cliche plots, mindless drumble, blah blah blah. I couldn't even get through the first season!

- We miss Boy a lot when we're gone.

- when our best friends met us there for a day and night, we had the most amazing time. She is pregnant, and only a week behind me ... We had the greatest time. AND I was happy to discover that my best friend hates Grey's Anatomy too. How wonderful. Too bad they live so stinkin' far away. (Note: We will have a year of maternity off together = lots of visiting, I'm sure)

- I am so excited about Christmas. I am more excited for next Christmas, though, because a new house and new bebe makes it all the funner.

- a year after I married MyLove, I realize I love him just as much or more than when we had our private and intimate gathering and said our written vows to each other (and his to Boy). I love him for more reasons than I ever could have known. And we are good for each other.

I Do Say ...

2007-11-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

My idea of exercise is a nice brisk sit.

New & Improved!

2007-10-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have perhaps found the greatest diet plan of all time. It includes being pregnant and eating everything in sight.

Example:
Wide-eyed-Waitress, to me: "so bruschetta to start, and then tortellini with alfredo sauce and with melted cheese on top? Ooookay ..."

In the last month I have only gained a pound. And the kicker is that this month I wore my shoes when my doctor weighed me, and last month I didn't!

I love food! ... Now, what's for dinner?

Living for the Minute, Loving Every Second ...

2007-10-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am looking forward to our new house*.
I am excited about our new baby (6 more months!)
I am content watching Boy's hockey games, even if he is the worst little player on the team.
I am thankful for all I have.
I am going to have so much fun on the roadtrip with MyLove in two weeks. Our first anniversary! This has been the happiest and most fulfilling time of my life.

And I like filling in our 'Happiest Moment of the Day' journals with my little family.

I am blessed. And the best is even yet to come.

*remember how sad I was about the house we didn't get? Well ... This one has a pool, hottub, and indoor roller hockey rink. Something for all!

Blessings:

2007-09-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

I am blessed that I am pregnant with the man I love.

That I have a son who makes me laugh no matter how I am feeling.

That I haven't gotten morning sickness (yet!).

That I have a job that pays well.

A House is Not a Home ...

2007-09-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

... But it was going to be. To me.
I imagined redecorating that house until it was 'us.' I imagined Christmases and Easters and dinner parties and kids' sleepovers. I imagined having more children there. I imagined doing laundry there and waking up there and coming home to that house everyday. I imagined cooking and gardening and cleaning. I imagined Christmas morning. In our home.

But it turned out that somebody else gets to have those things. And not even just in their imagination. In reality.

I feel cheated out. Lost. And I wonder if there's a plan in my life, or only chaos. I just am seeming to bounce around with no destination, and every time a dream seems close to reality, the bubble bursts and I am left with nothing. Like Cinderella, her gown torn to shreds moments before she was to get to go to the ball.

I wonder if God has a plan. Or if this is His plan. And I wonder if we will get to have at least something, some crumbs from the table of the feast, perhaps.

I feel so disappointed. It was going to be our home.

Warm Caramel Apples ...

2007-08-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

I like making a yummy dinner before MyLove comes home. And our little family eating together. I like having inside secrets and jokes with MyLove and Son.

I Remember ...

2007-07-28T21:21:00.001-07:00

... Being small -- in bed -- hearing my parents downstairs fighting. My tears streamed and collected in my ears. I could still hear the yelling but eventually I fell asleep.

Eenie Meenie

2007-07-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I do sexy things for my husband.

But sometimes I am putting rose petals in a trail to the bedroom and I'm wearing super high heels and he walks in the door so I run to hide because it's a surprise but I trip* and fall flailing on the floor and hurt myself. That's not as sexy as the original idea.

*or maybe not even trip. I'm possibly the worst high-heel-walker EVER.

I'm Sorry (or am I?)

2007-07-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

It was my son who boo'd at your wedding. I guess even little kids know when people are faking it. I pretended to be horrified and I admonished him. But truthfully I was impressed at his comprehension of what a ridiculous joke it was.

The beginnings ...

2007-07-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

I needed to cut the strings from my marionette.
I needed to be healthy ... In relationships, in my family, in my activities.
I needed to remember what's important. And who's important.

And I'm figuring it all out.