Blessings:

I am blessed that I am pregnant with the man I love.

That I have a son who makes me laugh no matter how I am feeling.

That I haven't gotten morning sickness (yet!).

That I have a job that pays well.

A House is Not a Home ...

... But it was going to be. To me.
I imagined redecorating that house until it was 'us.' I imagined Christmases and Easters and dinner parties and kids' sleepovers. I imagined having more children there. I imagined doing laundry there and waking up there and coming home to that house everyday. I imagined cooking and gardening and cleaning. I imagined Christmas morning. In our home.

But it turned out that somebody else gets to have those things. And not even just in their imagination. In reality.

I feel cheated out. Lost. And I wonder if there's a plan in my life, or only chaos. I just am seeming to bounce around with no destination, and every time a dream seems close to reality, the bubble bursts and I am left with nothing. Like Cinderella, her gown torn to shreds moments before she was to get to go to the ball.

I wonder if God has a plan. Or if this is His plan. And I wonder if we will get to have at least something, some crumbs from the table of the feast, perhaps.

I feel so disappointed. It was going to be our home.

Warm Caramel Apples ...

I like making a yummy dinner before MyLove comes home. And our little family eating together. I like having inside secrets and jokes with MyLove and Son.

I Remember ...

... Being small -- in bed -- hearing my parents downstairs fighting. My tears streamed and collected in my ears. I could still hear the yelling but eventually I fell asleep.

Eenie Meenie

Sometimes I do sexy things for my husband.

But sometimes I am putting rose petals in a trail to the bedroom and I'm wearing super high heels and he walks in the door so I run to hide because it's a surprise but I trip* and fall flailing on the floor and hurt myself. That's not as sexy as the original idea.

*or maybe not even trip. I'm possibly the worst high-heel-walker EVER.

I'm Sorry (or am I?)

It was my son who boo'd at your wedding. I guess even little kids know when people are faking it. I pretended to be horrified and I admonished him. But truthfully I was impressed at his comprehension of what a ridiculous joke it was.

The beginnings ...

I needed to cut the strings from my marionette.
I needed to be healthy ... In relationships, in my family, in my activities.
I needed to remember what's important. And who's important.

And I'm figuring it all out.